Forbes magazine has listed Columbus, OH as the third drunkest city in the United States. I'd like to take this time to accept the award on behalf of my fellow citizens of our fair city. I have some prepared remarks.
First of all, I'd like to say there are no superstars on this team, it was truly a team effort. A lot of people did their part to keep the city lubricated with Jagermeister, but I do have a few shout outs I'd like to give. Most importantly, a definite shout out to JC. All praises be. It wouldn't be possible without His bountiful harvest of liquor, beer, and wine. A harvest Divine for your lips and mine.
Also, a shout out to Crazy Swedish Gibberish Shouting Guy. I never know what you're saying, but I can tell it's from the heart man. A special shout out to Bug-Eyed Dancing Bradley. Your wobbly swirling to the beat is in reality a dance to the pulse of the community. A big shout out to Crazy Bike Guy. I've never seen you drink, but you must be indulging in something.
A super big shout out to Maurice Clarett. In Columbus, the goose is definitely loose, just not for you anymore. We'll pick up the slack. Also a shout out to former mayor Buck Rinehart, and all current politicos with DUIs. You know who you are.
I'd also like to shout out to the crew at the Short North Tavern, top ten in the state in Jager sales despite the fact that there are rarely more than twenty or thirty people there at any given time, and indeed, a shout out to the Saturday morning fun bunch at Mike's. Proving every weekend that 5:30AM is fact beer:30AM.
I'd also like to take this time to thank all the bartenders, servers, etc. for ignoring laws concerning serving those who are well past over-served. A fifteenth shot? Don't mind if I do.
And of course, there are the remembrances. Hoist one up tonight for all the campus bars of the past where a bucket of beer was quite literally a bucket of beer. Draft beer served in a two and a half gallon paint bucket. Binging never felt so good.
Have a safe trip home tonight, and God bless.