Well, I've poured and poured over the new dietary website MyPyramid.gov and there are a few things I can't find. I know they have to be in a Bush Administration redesign of a chart that tells you how to lead a healthy life. For the life of me, I can't figure out if I'm getting my full daily requirement of mercury and dioxin. Seriously, am I eating enough mercury? Am I breathing in enough mercury? What if I'm not? Don't make me go around stealing thermometers to mainline mercury. Tell me my daily requirement.
What about dioxin? I don't live down wind from a coal burning power plant, but God damnit I can move. I hear property is cheap in Cheshire, Ohio. At least tell me what kind of soup Viktor Yushchenko eats. If I'm not getting enough dioxin my skin is never going to achieve that wonderful flaky texture.
It also mentions exercise. That is a new feature. I wish it would tell me what kind of exercise I need. For instance, how many times a year should I go face first over the handlebars of my mountain bike like a fucking idiot.
This new pyramid is going to take me a while to master, but when I do, I'm sure I'll be in the best shape of my life.