Since the American Enterprise Institute is offering $10,000 to disprove the new UN report on climate released today, I figured I'd throw my hat in the ring to try to claim the cash. I've been working on two competing theories that are rather simple so that even the AEI can understand them.
The first is that there simply are not enough white people in the world, or conversely, there are too many non-white people in the world, especially Arabs Everybody knows that white people reflect the Sun's radiant energy back into space while those of darker skin tone absorb more of that energy, especially Arabs.
I suggest that this course could be reversed through the implementation of injecting depleted uranium into these darker skinned energy absorbers at a rather high velocity, especially Arabs. This would help to even out the white people to less white people ratio and thus end global warming.
There, that's it. I can't help but believe that $10,000 is mine given the shit that comes out of the AEI on a regular basis. Screw the $10,000, that tripe ought to get me a fellowship at that stink tank provided I can prove I didn't rework a Michael Ledeen essay which, while I don't think I have, it is certainly a possibility because this so closely mirrors the majority of the body of his work.
My other theory revolves around the equally less proven fact that mercury has developed a resistance to gravity. If we would just turn our thermometers upside-down it would prove that the world is actually cooling. As for electronic thermometers, well, I'm still trying to hash that out.