Sunday Snark

As I sit here watching the World Cup game between Mexico and Iran, I can't help but see an opportunity here for the republican party. Yes, of course, I'm talking about the FFA, or the Federal Football Amendment. This is an issue that clearly threatens our way of life. Even the fact that futbol is being broadcast into our family's home should bring us many reasons to worry.

Futbol is clearly played by nancy-boys who would probably marry each other if given half a chance where as our source of national pride, football is played with such savagery that other countries don't even consider playing it. Well, I guess they do play in Canada, but they use a weird shaped field and don't even get me started about that crappy European league.

No, it's right here in the good old USA that we play football, and this new "sport" where if you even touch somebody it's a foul is threatening our grand old game. Seriously, when did this even become a recognized sport, like last week?

If we allow futbol to gain hold in this country what will happen to football? It's likely to be seriously "gayed up." That's why we need a Constitution amendment to make football our national game that starts with an F and ends with a L.

I'm going to take a little time here to propose the necessary parts to the needed amendment. First of all, no government organization should be allowed to print any literature that spells football with a U. It's hard to calculate the untold billions this will save our country, but that's not the point. We have to protect FOOTBALL, and this the perfect place to start.

Secondly, while it's clear that it would impossible to ban futbol, we should demand, no, force people who want to play to use a properly shaped oblong ball. I mean seriously, you can't tuck that big round thing under your arm to run down the field. You'll fumble every time, and how do you throw it?

Thirdly, apparently they only play this futbol on natural grass. It must be some global warming thing. We need to mandate that at least 30% of these games be played on Astroturf. Well, maybe not that particular brand, but some sort of synthetic turf. It could all be settled later with earmarks. And what's with no domed stadiums? They have to play in some sort of dome with only superlative names. Not too superlative mind you, it is a "gay" game. Maybe the Swell Dome or something like that.

Also, as for our game of football, no more kicking, well, maybe good old fashioned straight on block toe kicking. No, no kicking at all. Nobody likes field goals, and have you seen the names on these guys. I bet a lot of them grew up playing futbol and this is how they are attempting to "cross the Rio" into our great game. Need to nip that in the bud, so no kicking.

I see this amendment as a win-win for republicans. Everybody (who can vote if you catch my drift) loves football and even if there are some "legals" here who play futbol, they'd never vote for your xenophobic party anyway, except in South Florida, but the Dolphins pretty much suck anyway so who cares. This amendment won't just energize football, or your party, but America herself.