It seems Grover Norquist has failed to pay his property taxes for the first half of the year. Oh, if we could only live in Grover’s dream world with no taxes. A day in that world might look something like this.
Grover awakens in the middle of the night, and he smells smoke. He decides to call Capital 12 Home Security And Fire Protection. After fumbling with the phone book, Norquist dialed.
Welcome to Capital 12 Home Security And Fire Protection, your call will be answered in the order it was received. While you wait on the Pepsi hotline, would you like to earmark a portion of your monthly bill to go to the NRA? If so, please push the pound sign, followed by key code 72648, then star. The NRA, keeping us killing each other since 1871.
The phone is finally answered.
Operator in Indian accented English: Welcome to Capital 12 Home Security And Fire Protection, how may I help you?
Norquist: My house is on fire!
Operator: Do you have your security code?
Norquist: Yes, it’s 24587
Operator: I’m sorry Mr. Norquist, but your account is delinquent.
Norquist: That’s impossible, I sent in the check.
Operator: I’m sorry, perhaps the private courier you used lost the check, have you ever thought about using DHL? DHL offers some of the finest parcel service on the planet.
Norquist: I don’t have time for this nonsense, my house is on fire!
Operator: I’m afraid I can’t help you.
Norquist: Well, can I pay right now with a credit card? cough cough
Operator: Sure, I’ll transfer you to our credit department.
Grover gets put on hold where he ironically hears the musak version of the old Talking Heads song Burning Down The House.
Norquist (mumbling to self): I used to love this song. Cough cough. These guys, cough, certainly knew a thing or two, cough, about the perils of big government.
Twelve minutes later, the credit manager comes on the phone
Manager in Korean accented English: May I help you?
Norquist: Yes, I need to make a payment, quick. My house is on fire!
Manager: How will you be paying?
Norquist: Do you accept Visa?
Manager: No.
Norquist: Mastercard?
Manager: No.
Norquist: American Express?
Manager: No.
Norquist: What the hell do you accept?
Manager: We only accept Discover. We’re a wholly owned subsidiary of Sears, Roebuck, and Company. Home of great Craftsman tools. Craftsman, guaranteed for life.
Norquist: I don’t have a Discover card!
Manager: Do you have a Sears in your neighborhood? Perhaps you could pay in person.
Norquist: It’s three in the morning, and my house is on fire!
Ah, dreams.
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